Grief and then some....

Ref: Wikipedia

grief/grēf/Noun


1. Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.

2. Trouble or annoyance
 
Grief is not a nice word, nor is it a nice act caused by someone else and inflicted on oneself. Grief is a dirty job. During these past few weeks, my pastor (Steve Alessi) has preached a series on Dirty Jobs. One of those "dirty jobs"  included encouraging each other. It's tiring to be encouraging everyone all day long, but the word is clear on encouraging our brothers and sisters.
 
I would submit that grieving is also a dirty job, but each one of us have, will, or currently is grieving.
To love is to be vulnerable to the statement of death. Death never comes at the 'right' time, but it comes. It comes when we love the most - a force to be reckoned with.
 
I found myself in the student's seat as I took part in a grief & loss counseling session. I'm used to being the counselor, so this was very new to me. I was asked a question: What have I learned from the grieving process. For some strange reason, unbeknowest to me, I fell apart - in front of people. For a quick minute I had to gather my thoughts, my composure. As we temporarily passed to the next person, I realized one thing that I  had yet realized: I was grieving.
 
For the first time in my life, being 30+ now, I was grieving like I had lost my son. Aha! I did lose my son. And I had dreams of what our live would be together, I had hopes for him, ones that I would help him reach. I wanted to love him so bad like I hadn't been loved by my own father. I wanted to be a Dad. This was a moment I had been praying for and there I stood holding my baby son in my arms, praying, and giving him over to God.
 
The therapist shared with me the 4 stages of grieving.
 
1. Denial
2. Angry
3. Negotations (w/ God)
4. Acceptance
 
I had accepted little David Alexander's death, and I still do. But the therapist said that sometimes in acceptance we still feel like we were uprooted and shaken to our bones. And we ask ourselves: now what? What now? Where do we go from here?
Our yesterday - what we thought was our normal life, is not so normal anymore. We have a new normal. This normal requires of us alot more strenght, alot more prayer, alot more of alot more.
 
And to my surprise - it's all normal. We all grieve differently.
 
Frankly, the plan that was laid out in front of me was taken from under me. Like a confused child, I sometimes just sit and ask: now what? where do I go from here? This wasn't part of the plan.
 
To my felllow reader, I ask that you do not become super religious on me and begin quoting scriptures... not that it doesn't help, because it does help - alot! But, my writing this today is not necessarily meant for you, it's for me. It's me acknowledging, for the first time, that I loved my baby and I miss him. I wish I could've had a life with him and I wish that my wife didn't have to go through all the pain.
 
Nevertheless, we understand that there's a sovereign God who does whatever He wants, because He can - and you know what, I don't mind, better Him than me. But I need to add something that I have learned along the way.
 
There are some friends that have been able to muster up the courage to embrace us and others who have shy'd away. A few have said that they just don't know what to say. Here's a hint: don't say anything. A simple call to say that you are here for us. A simple squeeze on the shoulder says more than your perfect words will ever transmit. People grieving don't need to hear about love, they need to be shown love. This is action time, not talking time. This is where the rubber meets the road: "love your neighbor as thyself. Encourage one another."
 
So while there are some 'friends' and 'family' that have yet to call in the past 3 months, I understand it's hard to talk about. But you need to know, it's good for anyone who has lost someone to talk about the loss. We all know people grieving in our work places, churches, schools, etc... Let's reach out. Please be an adult, a Christian, a loving and mature person to come up to the one grieving and embrace us and don't forget about us!
 
I'm not necessarily talking about my personal experience, but I've heard close 'friends' say that talking about death is a difficult conversation. Let me change your perspective in this manner. First, if you lost someone, you'd want people to build you up, not keep you in your suffering. So do it others, as you would like it to be done unto thee. Secondly, that's a really lame excuse. If you're really my friend and you see my pain, you better muster up some courage and faith and embrace me. I expect that as my friend. Unfortunately, I've had to downgrade some 'close' relationships because they are too scared to talk about the inevitable. Thirdly, I do not like to talk about death, but about life! Come beside me and help me celebrate life!
 
I know i'm using 'me' as if I'm asking for you to embrace me personally. But I feel like today, I write on behalf of those grieving and I joined the club as the Advocate. The heart of the grieving person says: Love on me. Support me. Encourage me while I grieve. Walk this with me. Don't leave me here doing this alone.
 
My friends and family, Go - love someone grieving. Show them the Jesus in you and remind us (grieving folk) what it is to be the body of Christ.
 
Finally, I have to honestly admit that my own church, Metro Life Church, has been the best embrace, support, encouragement, and cares enough for me and those grieving to take care of our hearts and provide a Christian therapist. That's church ya'll! That's Jesus.
 
So today, I ask: Do you know someone who grieves? Reach out to them, with love, not just biblical scriptures. Embrace. Pray. Love.  Above all is else is love.
Listen, we are all vulnerable - love is. This should be our new normal.
 
As Iron Sharpens Iron. Truly. 'Enough said.