Where do I go from here?
The story behind the reunification of Father & Son
Through the eyes of the Son
(can I relate the pains and anguish he went through while Jesus was on earth and his pains on the cross and what he said: why did you forsake me? He looked up. (just as I looked up and said will you be my father?!” And then they were reunited…now I’m not saying that this is going to happen all the time, but I’m certain of this - there’s hope. What I thought was dead become alive in a promise… I first got to see and know my heavenly Father as my true identity, my creator, and I am made in his self-image. Now of which I resemble more and more like each day. At the same time, I see my earthly father and see the meekness of a man that tried his best to raise me, but in his frailty, was oblivious to the authentic manhood needed for every son.
Introduction
It had been about ten years before I had ever seen my earthly father. After a sour divorce, my father left to a foreign country and began his own life. For a long time, I dealt with the hurts and pains of a father leaving me. Then I dealt with the pains of forgiving my mom for ‘driving’ him away. I believed for a long time that this was the cross I had to bare. These were the nails being hammered into my palms. They struck the very chord that I thought could not be touched.
When he left, I knew that I would have to go through much inner-searching and healing if I were ever to offer myself to a godly woman. I knew this event was going to cause some issues in my life. I began to search for that thing that would fulfill my time so as to not be home. I asked the ultimate question: Dad, why did you leave me?
Seven years passed by the time I was at a point to realize that I needed to see my identity through the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I came to the realization of Psalm 2:7: You are my Son; today I have become your Father. This word came as a healing hand to my soul. It brought me to a place of dependency on God. I had to learn how to depend on people again. I had felt like a major artery of my life gave up on me. Not only gave up on me, but he gave up fighting for his marriage and for his children - that’s how I felt.
I was ok with the idea that my father may be dead or maybe did not want anything to do with me. I was now in a place where I could move on with my life. But I believe that was only a preface to what God had in mind. Later in the year, an opportunity arose to reconnect with him. It was a Kodak moment at the airport when time stopped while we hugged and chatted. It was definitely a God-moment.
Three years after that initial visit, we would still talk on the phone and communicate. We would talk about every other month or so, nothing extravagant. But God had other things planned. God would have us reunite, permanently. As my dad arrived at the airport, I remember thinking: what now? I recall sensing some anxiety as to how I would treat him now that he would be back in my life everyday. I realized there would be some emotional adjustments to be made quickly. I was in survival mode when I had to plan his funeral and make casket arrangements from overseas. It was my duty. But now, my everyday life will involve having my dad back into my life, talking to him everyday, and seeing him continue to age. I found myself asking: what do I do now? And where do I go from here?
I quickly found myself in an amusement park of questions.
This is my story of my challenges and issues, hang-ups I conquered, habits I haven’t. This is a story of a son longing for a relationship with his dad, and realized that maybe dad was there all along…. Let’s embark on this journey of pain, revelation, healing, restoration and ultimately of hope! There is hope! This book will not bring your Father back, but it will bring us to the Father, and we will be sons again. Knowing what it is to be loved by a genuine loving Father is our hearts cry.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
A day at a time
Sometimes I wish we could just jump 5 years into the future, just to see where I would be? I still struggle with : What am I called to do? Like .. what in the world is it that i'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I know the answer: Charlie, you're doing it right now.
argh! I get passionate about changing the lives of young men and guiding and gearing their lives. Maybe it's a sign that i'm ready to be a parent! hahaha! But more than likely, I know where it stems from...
Once upon a time, in the not so distance past, I slipped off the 'right' track.... At that time, I had hoped that someone would come to my rescue. Sure maybe I was naive about it, maybe even a little selfish... Nevertheless, for all the work and time and I had dedicated to this group of people, not one person reached out to me. Consequently, I felt flat on my face. Now, I understand that it wasn't their fault that I fell flat on my face - that was all me. But man, it sure would've been nice to have had a helping hand. This scenario sparked something within me that, to this day, embodies everything that I do.
There are people that need help, and with my skills, experiences, and knowledge - I can help them. in what? in whatever.. lol. I help people - that's what I do best. I help people get jobs. I help people become independant. I help and guide people into increasing their faith and knowledge of God. I help people in crisis - all the time! I help people who can't (at time) help themselves. My heart goes out to them and I do everything and anything within me to HELP.
I once heard it said that one should continue doing what they love to do, become the best at it, and someone will pay you for it....
But I've also come to realize that the only way I can truly help people is if I stand up for them. If I stand in the gap for them and represent them in a way that's truly beneficial to those who can't help themselves. I wouldn't say that I would be giving out free money - because that's not smart. But at time I wish I could have financial instituions go out in the community and teach young, old, poor, and middle to read their financial statements, balance their checkbooks, and ultimately a savings plan. I want to provide resources, not just a blank check.
More and more, I see that being part of the community and representing them, I could be of better service to them. Ironically enough, it's almost like I should go for Mayor or councilman or something. My scare is that there are some things that I'm not proud of that may come out in the light. Everyone has skeletons. The person that needs to know, knows... my wife. So it shouldn't matter, should it. Either way, we'll see about that.. lol
the more i think about where I am today and the doors God has opened in the last 6 months... i'm amazed. i sit on the board of my employer (siatech charter high school). I sit on the board of American Red Cross for south dade, and i sit on the board of miami dade county naranja lakes community redevelopment agency. just in the past 6 months! i've had interviews with commissioners, board members, and community individuals. i've even been offered a job somewhere else! and i completed and earned my bachelors degree (FINALLY!) in public administration....
God - I continue to trust in you! that's all i can do and --- that's all i have left. because i love you and we share that every day. i just lay it all out before you.. my past, present, and future... you are it! i trust.
continually molded,
c. lo
argh! I get passionate about changing the lives of young men and guiding and gearing their lives. Maybe it's a sign that i'm ready to be a parent! hahaha! But more than likely, I know where it stems from...
Once upon a time, in the not so distance past, I slipped off the 'right' track.... At that time, I had hoped that someone would come to my rescue. Sure maybe I was naive about it, maybe even a little selfish... Nevertheless, for all the work and time and I had dedicated to this group of people, not one person reached out to me. Consequently, I felt flat on my face. Now, I understand that it wasn't their fault that I fell flat on my face - that was all me. But man, it sure would've been nice to have had a helping hand. This scenario sparked something within me that, to this day, embodies everything that I do.
There are people that need help, and with my skills, experiences, and knowledge - I can help them. in what? in whatever.. lol. I help people - that's what I do best. I help people get jobs. I help people become independant. I help and guide people into increasing their faith and knowledge of God. I help people in crisis - all the time! I help people who can't (at time) help themselves. My heart goes out to them and I do everything and anything within me to HELP.
I once heard it said that one should continue doing what they love to do, become the best at it, and someone will pay you for it....
But I've also come to realize that the only way I can truly help people is if I stand up for them. If I stand in the gap for them and represent them in a way that's truly beneficial to those who can't help themselves. I wouldn't say that I would be giving out free money - because that's not smart. But at time I wish I could have financial instituions go out in the community and teach young, old, poor, and middle to read their financial statements, balance their checkbooks, and ultimately a savings plan. I want to provide resources, not just a blank check.
More and more, I see that being part of the community and representing them, I could be of better service to them. Ironically enough, it's almost like I should go for Mayor or councilman or something. My scare is that there are some things that I'm not proud of that may come out in the light. Everyone has skeletons. The person that needs to know, knows... my wife. So it shouldn't matter, should it. Either way, we'll see about that.. lol
the more i think about where I am today and the doors God has opened in the last 6 months... i'm amazed. i sit on the board of my employer (siatech charter high school). I sit on the board of American Red Cross for south dade, and i sit on the board of miami dade county naranja lakes community redevelopment agency. just in the past 6 months! i've had interviews with commissioners, board members, and community individuals. i've even been offered a job somewhere else! and i completed and earned my bachelors degree (FINALLY!) in public administration....
God - I continue to trust in you! that's all i can do and --- that's all i have left. because i love you and we share that every day. i just lay it all out before you.. my past, present, and future... you are it! i trust.
continually molded,
c. lo
Friday, June 26, 2009
Trying hard to maintain and increase the effort
You know you try hard every day to do your best. There are just some days you just don't want to try so hard.... what for? who cares? it's not like i'm being recognized or looked at by anyone. Sure I mentor and lead, but I've always had a hard time finding people that would help me lead and mentor me. Students ask me all the time: how do you do it? I tell them: I just do.
Yes, I wouldn't be anywhere without God, my faith, and my church. But I want to be mentored and exposed to areas that I've never been exposed to. Learn the ropes, if you will, and move forward. Maybe I'm just talking jibberish because I'm trapped by a glass cieling all the time.
Sure, ok, it's not my time. But when it is ... watch out - i'm going to take over by storm. just watch. Lopez ain't no fool. I'm being prepared to kick some **s!
Yes, I wouldn't be anywhere without God, my faith, and my church. But I want to be mentored and exposed to areas that I've never been exposed to. Learn the ropes, if you will, and move forward. Maybe I'm just talking jibberish because I'm trapped by a glass cieling all the time.
Sure, ok, it's not my time. But when it is ... watch out - i'm going to take over by storm. just watch. Lopez ain't no fool. I'm being prepared to kick some **s!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Decisions, decisions, decisions...
Isn't it just like God to make us wonder about his will for our lives, in such a way that we have no other choice, no option - as a God fearing person - but to continue NEEDING him. I think he loves that about this whole father/son relationship. That as authority and power and ruler over everything, and that as omnipresent and omniscience person that He is.... you would think that he could just share with us the entire plan. Just lay it out for me. Just show me what it is that I, as a son of God, a song of love, needs to do. simple and plain. But I can see God saying: that would be too boring. You know my God, the God I know, is a fun God. He loves playing jokes with us, and teasing us a bit with life issues, careers, relationships, etc.. But He will NEVER cross the line. He is STILL good.
Knowing this, I trust fully, wholeheartedly, in a God that I cannot see, but have a couple times; in a God that loved and loves me so much that He STILL pursues me, conmoves me, evaluates me, analyzes me, watches over me, lifts me, and guides me - to say the least. All He asks is that I commit myself FULLY to Him. and in Him be made FULLY whole.
So we continue the race that we started never in unrealtic expectations of failing, but a hope to succeed. I know I will fail, it takes Hope & Faith to succeed.
Knowing so, I put Him first.
Decisions, decisions, decisions... they become easier to make when you trust and know that the one who made you , gave you, and forgave you... loves you, respects you, hopes in you, relies in you, and confides in you - to follow Him, to grow in Him, to Love in Him and through Him.
I recognize where my salvation comes from and I recognize where my provider resides.
I come to the alter to alter of thanksgiving and sacrifice to place my wants and needs before Him. Because without Him first in my life, I would not be here, nor be there. So I ask you God to show me, prove me, and love me, and guide me to the open door that's for me. I realize many doors can open, but only 1 is for me. Lord, would you make happen for me, how you made it happen for King David. He wasn't perfect by all means. But He had a heart afters yours. Would you give me his courage, his boldness, his thrust for you, his common sense, straegic mindset, and favor to pursue what's yours and undo what's not? Would you give me Samson's wisdom and respect?
So that by whatever I do on Earth would have honor in Heaven and bring glory to your name God!
you are loved and desired.
your son.....
Knowing this, I trust fully, wholeheartedly, in a God that I cannot see, but have a couple times; in a God that loved and loves me so much that He STILL pursues me, conmoves me, evaluates me, analyzes me, watches over me, lifts me, and guides me - to say the least. All He asks is that I commit myself FULLY to Him. and in Him be made FULLY whole.
So we continue the race that we started never in unrealtic expectations of failing, but a hope to succeed. I know I will fail, it takes Hope & Faith to succeed.
Knowing so, I put Him first.
Decisions, decisions, decisions... they become easier to make when you trust and know that the one who made you , gave you, and forgave you... loves you, respects you, hopes in you, relies in you, and confides in you - to follow Him, to grow in Him, to Love in Him and through Him.
I recognize where my salvation comes from and I recognize where my provider resides.
I come to the alter to alter of thanksgiving and sacrifice to place my wants and needs before Him. Because without Him first in my life, I would not be here, nor be there. So I ask you God to show me, prove me, and love me, and guide me to the open door that's for me. I realize many doors can open, but only 1 is for me. Lord, would you make happen for me, how you made it happen for King David. He wasn't perfect by all means. But He had a heart afters yours. Would you give me his courage, his boldness, his thrust for you, his common sense, straegic mindset, and favor to pursue what's yours and undo what's not? Would you give me Samson's wisdom and respect?
So that by whatever I do on Earth would have honor in Heaven and bring glory to your name God!
you are loved and desired.
your son.....
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Letters are intimate
Lord, I've done all I can. I feel confident that I have all the concepts of this material. But God, I give the rest up to you. I give this test up to you.
Once a fear of success - now I feel implored to succeed- for your glory - for the calling you have in my life. I want this diploma. I need this diploma. But not more than I need you in my life!
Yes, God. I struggle with the discipline of communicating with you and reading your word. I fear what you have to say, because i know to whom much is given - much is required. At one point, I didn't want anything else, anything more.
But you have called me from out of my mother's womb. You have called me by name. And though I suppose. I have purposely failed you so that you would pick someone else to you.
I can't escape your love.. your grace, your calling in my life.
My heart pitter-patters at the simple touch of your love. When I enter with worship unto you, you touch me and show yourself real to me. you waste no time in showing up. you waste no time explaining yourself to me. I know who you are and you know who I am. there are no need for introductions and vague language. It's just Father and Son. Creator & re-image.
So take my life - I lay it down. At the cross where I am found right now. All i have i give to you my God. Take my hands and make them clean, keep my heart in purity. that i may walk in all you have for me. Here I stand Lord, arms open wide! I am yours and you are mine. (United Hillsong - Arms Open Wide).
I sit here in this library, alone, but not lonely. deeply refreshed. the insides of me are watered like a thirsty trees in a drought.
I stand besides myself - and I get out the way. I put myself aside. I'm not as important as I think I am. You are my provider. You are my only Father. You stand beside me when I've been in the dumps. When no one saw what I was going through, you stood beside me and you delievered me, you helped me up, you gave me a life to worthy to be called yours and your son's. So Lord, I surrender to you and forever I will praise... Have your way Oh God... I lay it all down knowing that you are God, not I. I lay down this controlling nature of myself and allow you God to work in and through me. As I praise you in this ironic Library setting, I committ to you a disciplined life, worthy of your calling, worthy to be called yours oh God.
i love you my Father.
Once a fear of success - now I feel implored to succeed- for your glory - for the calling you have in my life. I want this diploma. I need this diploma. But not more than I need you in my life!
Yes, God. I struggle with the discipline of communicating with you and reading your word. I fear what you have to say, because i know to whom much is given - much is required. At one point, I didn't want anything else, anything more.
But you have called me from out of my mother's womb. You have called me by name. And though I suppose. I have purposely failed you so that you would pick someone else to you.
I can't escape your love.. your grace, your calling in my life.
My heart pitter-patters at the simple touch of your love. When I enter with worship unto you, you touch me and show yourself real to me. you waste no time in showing up. you waste no time explaining yourself to me. I know who you are and you know who I am. there are no need for introductions and vague language. It's just Father and Son. Creator & re-image.
So take my life - I lay it down. At the cross where I am found right now. All i have i give to you my God. Take my hands and make them clean, keep my heart in purity. that i may walk in all you have for me. Here I stand Lord, arms open wide! I am yours and you are mine. (United Hillsong - Arms Open Wide).
I sit here in this library, alone, but not lonely. deeply refreshed. the insides of me are watered like a thirsty trees in a drought.
I stand besides myself - and I get out the way. I put myself aside. I'm not as important as I think I am. You are my provider. You are my only Father. You stand beside me when I've been in the dumps. When no one saw what I was going through, you stood beside me and you delievered me, you helped me up, you gave me a life to worthy to be called yours and your son's. So Lord, I surrender to you and forever I will praise... Have your way Oh God... I lay it all down knowing that you are God, not I. I lay down this controlling nature of myself and allow you God to work in and through me. As I praise you in this ironic Library setting, I committ to you a disciplined life, worthy of your calling, worthy to be called yours oh God.
i love you my Father.
Hold me now Oh Lord!
On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
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